Losing a friend...finding myself ©
by Kathy Braswell Dial

I have spent many days of self-examination, introspection
if you will, due to many things said to me in the last week or
so which I found unpleasant -- I found them unpleasant because,
I found, they were true.

I have been called "bitter" -- I resented this to begin with -- until
I realized -- I am bitter.

Why am I bitter? I am bitter because the best friend I have in
this mortal world is ill. My best friend has turned from me -- not
in anger, not in hatred -- but in self defense -- he must deal with
his illness -- he must channel all his energy and strength on
"surviving" -- and in so doing -- he must turn from me --
one who loves him most dearly of anyone else she
loves...

I have been called "hostile" - I resented this too - until I realized
I was hostile --

Why was I hostile? I am hostile because I fear I will be alone
with myself. Most of the time I do not have this fear -- because
I do not fear being alone with myself -- but this last week in
particular -- I did not like being alone with myself -- because I
did not like myself -- I am growing in a direction I have never
grown before -- away from my life's best friend.

Why do I grow away from my friend? Because I must survive --
I must survive emotionally -- I must not become an emotional
desert -- an emotional wasteland. I must nurture myself --
my emotions -- my "self" -- in order to "survive".

Is this wrong? Is this "selfish"?

I cannot tell you.

I can only tell you that if I am to survive his illness, and the
loss of my best friend, that I too, must turn "inward" -- and
in so doing -- I must distance myself from him a bit at a time
-- so that in my heart I do not grieve for a friend "lost".

Do not mistake what I say when I refer to "losing my friend" --
I speak not of death -- but of the present tense -- he is letting
me go -- he is setting me free -- it had occurred to me that this
was why I have been so angry -- I did not want him to let go of
me so easily -- it did not occur to me that it caused him as much
pain in setting me free as it did for me to be set free --

In losing my friend -- I have discovered -- myself. I like myself --
I have some work to do still in order to get used to myself -- I
have not listened to "myself" for such a long, long time, that I
had forgotten who I was --

I have focused on my friend for such a long, long time, that I have
forgotten that "myself" has many, many needs which "I" must learn to
fill for myself --

Free, now, I have a new road to travel -- myself and I -- a new path to
discover -- I thought I was ready -- I thought I was strong -- I
thought I had already traveled this road -- I lied to myself -- I have not.

Freedom does not make me unhappy any longer -- I now know in
truth what it has cost my love to set me free -- I will try to be as
courageous in my new journey as he has been in his journey of life --
so that I do not shame him or the freedom he has given me --